Dating 101: Pursue Your Spouse The Way God Loves And Pursues You

"My beloved speaks and says to me..." – Song of Solomon 2:10
It all begins with words.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and yet, many marriages struggle because of a simple yet profound issue—lack of meaningful conversation. Studies suggest that the average man speaks around 7,000 words a day, while the average woman speaks closer to 20,000. The problem? By the time a husband gets home, he’s used up most of his words.

So when his wife asks, “How was your day?”—he thinks a one-word answer like “Good.” is sufficient. But to her, that’s not even an answer at all.

Meanwhile, she’s just getting started: “Oh, mine was fantastic! Betty and I had brunch—she ordered that avocado toast I love. You know, we should plant an avocado tree in the backyard; I saw a documentary about how well they grow in Florida. Anyway, Betty wore a new nail polish color—I wasn’t a fan, but it got me thinking…”

What’s going on here? She still has 10,000 words left to use!

Men, here’s a PRO TIP—expand your vocabulary.

Scripture tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18:21). If you want to breathe life into your marriage, it begins with words. Your wife longs for connection, not just through action, but through conversation. Speak to her. Engage with her. Listen—not just to respond, but to understand.

Romance is not sustained by grand gestures alone; it is cultivated daily in the small, intentional moments of communication. The man in Song of Solomon spoke to his beloved, and she was drawn to his words. If you want to revive your marriage, start with conversation—because words have the power to build, restore, and strengthen love.

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away…” – Song of Solomon 2:10
He’s asking her out.

A date is not just another event on the calendar—it is a deliberate step away from the routine, a time set apart for two people to grow in their love and understanding of one another. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, but it does have to be intentional.
"For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land." – Song of Solomon 2:11-12

The seasons are changing, and so must the rhythms of our lives. One of my mentors once told me that if you want to change your life, you must change your rhythms. A strong marriage doesn’t happen by accident—it is built through intentional habits that foster connection and intimacy.

The Rhythm of Romance
1. Dialogue Daily – My wife and I commit to sharing at least one meal together every day. No cell phones. No distractions. Just conversation—one at a time.
2. Date Weekly – Friday night is our night. We typically leave town, sometimes double date with friends, but more often than not, it’s just us. I plan some, she plans some.
PRO TIP #2: Download the OpenTable app and book reservations three months in advance.
3. Depart Quarterly – Every few months, we set aside an overnight trip, just the two of us, to recharge and reconnect.
4. Deport Annually – Once a year, we take an extended getaway to focus completely on our relationship. No work, no kids—just us.

Dave Ramsey was right: If you want to live like no one else, you have to live like no one else. The same principle applies to romance. If you want a marriage that thrives instead of survives, you must be intentional. Plan the dates. Prioritize the moments. Pursue your spouse.

“O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.” – Song of Solomon 2:14
Dating isn’t just about spending time together—it’s about breathing life into your marriage. And the key to that life? Encouragement.

Earlier in this chapter, the bride joyfully declares, “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.” (Song of Solomon 2:4). He doesn’t just love her—he wants everyone to know it.

Dating is affirmation gone public. It’s a way of saying, “This is my beloved, and I am proud to be with them.” And true affirmation happens on multiple levels—each one strengthening the bond between husband and wife.

Five Levels of Affirmation
1. Private Verbal Affirmation – Speak encouragement directly to your spouse. A kind word, a genuine compliment—this should be the most frequent form of affirmation. But because it’s private, it allows for deniability.
2. Private Written Affirmation – A note, a text, a card—this puts your thoughts in ink. Unlike spoken words that fade, written affirmation leaves a lasting impression. No deniability here.
3. Public Verbal Affirmation – Speaking well of your spouse in front of others takes encouragement to another level. It shows honor, commitment, and love in a way that is undeniable.
4. Public Written Affirmation – When you write something publicly—whether in a letter, a post, or a tribute—you are not only affirming your spouse but declaring it for all to see.
5. Public Physical Affirmation – This is the highest level of affirmation—an embrace, holding hands, a warm smile, an occasional kiss. It’s a public display of affection that says, “I love this person, and I’m not afraid to show it.” This is what date nights are all about—this is what “His banner over me is love” truly means.

Men, listen—your wife longs to be celebrated. Women, your husband needs to be affirmed. A strong, Christ-centered marriage is marked by intentional encouragement. So, don’t just assume your spouse knows how much you love them—show them. Speak it, write it, and live it.

“Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” – Song of Solomon 2:15

Little foxes may seem harmless, but left unchecked, they can ruin a vineyard. They eat the blossoms before they become fruit. They dig around the vine, slowly killing it from the roots.

The same is true in marriage. It’s not always the big, obvious threats that cause the most damage—it’s the small, subtle ones that slip in unnoticed. These "little foxes" creep in, often showing up on date nights, turning what should be a time of connection into a battleground of criticism. That’s why you must be intentional—not making every date night about fixing your spouse, but occasionally setting aside time to address the issues that threaten your relationship.

Four Little Foxes That Can Destroy a Marriage
1. Sins Unforgiven – Scripture warns that unforgiveness leads to a root of bitterness (Hebrews 12:15), and roots never stay hidden—they grow, they spread, and they poison everything around them. Be quick to forgive, or bitterness will take hold and defile your marriage.
2. Hurtful Habits – Sometimes we wound our spouse without even realizing it. A careless word, an insensitive joke, or dismissing their feelings can cause deep hurt. Instead of being defensive, listen. Instead of trying to fix your spouse, work on fixing you.
3. Misaligned Priorities – A marriage centered around children, rather than the husband and wife, is dangerously out of balance. Listen—kids, especially when they are young, have an uncanny ability to sense when mom and dad are getting too close… and they will do everything they can to insert themselves between you. That’s why your marriage must come first. Your children will be fine—they’re more resilient than you think.
4. Third-Party Threats – Be mindful of outside influences that can subtly undermine your marriage—whether it’s toxic friendships, inappropriate relationships, or even well-meaning family members who create division. Guard your relationship fiercely.

Strong marriages don’t happen by accident. They require vigilance, intentionality, and a willingness to root out the little foxes before they destroy the vineyard. Your marriage is worth protecting. So catch the foxes—before it’s too late.

If a marriage is lacking pursuit, it’s often because the man has stopped pursuing. When Jesus transforms a marriage, He starts by transforming the man—making him more like God, the ultimate pursuer. The cross is God’s declaration: “I love you, I lost you, I want you back.” As God relentlessly loves and pursues His people, so must a husband love and pursue his wife. That is the Gospel in marriage.

My name is Zach Terry. The thoughts and opinions expressed in this blog are my own, with occasional interjections from my bride of nearly 25 years, Julie. This format of publication is meant to allow for engagement and interaction. Feel free to comment. But please, be nice.